Cover of You Never Can Tell

You Never Can Tell

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  • 2 hours to read
  • 4 chapters
  • Reading level: 7th grade

"You Never Can Tell" by George Bernard Shaw is a four-act play written in 1897. Mrs. Clandon returns to England with her three children after eighteen years abroad, but the children have no idea who their father is. Through a comedy of errors, they end up inviting him to a family lunch. Meanwhile, a dentist named Valentine falls for Gloria, the eldest daughter who claims to have no interest in love or marriage. A wise waiter dispenses advice with the play's titular phrase as identities become confused and comic situations unfold.

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  • Comedy plays
  • England
  • Runaway husbands
  • Wives
  • Fathers
  • Children

Read the opening

Act I

In a dentist's operating room on a fine August morning in 1896. Not the usual tiny London den, but the best sitting room of a furnished lodging in a terrace on the sea front at a fashionable watering place. The operating chair, with a gas pump and cylinder beside it, is half way between the centre of the room and one of the corners. If you look into the room through the window which lights it, you will see the fireplace in the middle of the wall opposite you, with the door beside it to your left; an M.R.C.S. diploma in a frame hung on the chimneypiece; an easy chair covered in black leather on the hearth; a neat stool and bench, with vice, tools, and a mortar and pestle in the corner to the right. Near this bench stands a slender machine like a whip provided with a stand, a pedal, and an exaggerated winch. Recognising this as a dental drill, you shudder and look away to your left, where you can see another window, underneath which stands a writing table, with a blotter and a diary on it, and a chair. Next the writing table, towards the door, is a leather covered sofa. The opposite wall, close on your right, is occupied mostly by a bookcase. The operating chair is under your nose, facing you, with the cabinet of instruments handy to it on your left. You observe that the professional furniture and apparatus are new, and that the wall paper, designed, with the taste of an undertaker, in festoons and urns, the carpet with its symmetrical plans of rich, cabbagy nosegays, the glass gasalier with lustres; the ornamental gilt rimmed blue candlesticks on the ends of the mantelshelf, also glass draped with lustres, and the ormolu clock under a glass-cover in the middle between them, its uselessness emphasized by a cheap American clock disrespectfully placed beside it and now indicating 12 o'clock noon, all combine with the black marble which gives the fireplace the air of a miniature family vault, to suggest early Victorian commercial respectability, belief in money, Bible fetichism, fear of hell always at war with fear of poverty, instinctive horror of the passionate character of art, love and Roman Catholic religion, and all the first fruits of plutocracy in the early generations of the industrial revolution.

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Contents

  1. Act I
  2. Act II
  3. Act III
  4. Act IV

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About this edition

This free edition of You Never Can Tell by Bernard Shaw comes from Project Gutenberg eBook #2175, released 2000-05-01. It is in the public domain in the United States, so you can read it here in full at no cost, on any phone, tablet or computer. Genre: Plays/Films/Dramas, British Literature.

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